Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Album Retrospective: Miniature Tigers - Tell It To The Volcano

We know that our lives and the lives of the human beings around us are constantly changing. Over time economies change, technology changes, politics change and just about everything that can change changes drastically in a positive and negative way. One thing that seems to not change those is the apathy we human beings having towards working out. No matter how much the world around us changes and "progresses", it seems like working out will always be a bitch, and along with going to church will always just be something we say we are going to do but end up super sizing or fast food meals instead.

Many people have solutions to get people to workout and to get people to lose weight but these solutions often fall on deaf ears. They often fall on deaf ears because working out requires a lot of moving when most of us have couches and still want to know an unhealthy amount of information about sharks. They fall on deaf ears because no matter how many energy drinks we chug down, no matter how many wristbands we wear honoring one nutted steroid using cyclist, no matter how many women we want to impress, working out will always be a bitch. It just feels like no matter what we do we are missing the one thing that will really motivate us to workout: the right music.

Human beings have been looking for the perfect workout album longer than they have been looking for Waldo. The perfect workout album has to have songs that make you run through a gauntlet of emotions (anger, sadness, happiness, etc.) The perfect workout has to have more fast paced songs than slow paced songs. The perfect workout album has to have catchy song after catchy song and, finally, the perfect workout album has to be short in length and overall has to be excellent. You may think that this album does not exist or is stashed away on some island with 2pac, Biggie and Osama bin Laden. How could you not have heard of an album single handedly solve the problem that Michelle Obama and her flabby arms have been trying to solve for three years? Well, in 2008 (while you were probably pigging out and listening to Opeth), the Miniature Tigers released Tell It To The Volcano, the perfect workout album!

The first reason Tell It To The Volcano is the perfect workout album is that it makes you feel lots of different emotions. As you probably know you cannot run on a treadmill just feeling neutral, you have to be angry, sad, happy, drunk, etc. The Miniature Tigers make sure they have a song for whatever emotion you are feeling on Tell It To The Volcano. If you are feeling happy and think you are falling in love you can listen to "Cannibal Queen" and "The Wolf." If you are feeling angry you can always listen to "Giraffe" and "Last Night's Fake Blood." If you are feeling determined you can listen to "Annie Oakley" and "Tell It to the Volcano." If you are feeling kind of gloom and doom just turn on "Hot Venom", "Tchaikovsky & Solitude", or "Haunted Pyramid." When you are working out you have to be in some sort of mood and the Miniature Tigers made a very moody album in Tell It To The Volcano. This is the first reason that this is the perfect workout album.

The second reason Tell It To The Volcano is the perfect workout album is that it PUMPS YOU UP. A sad reality is that the slower the music is the worse it is to workout to. A rule of thumb is that if you can workout to slow music, it probably means that you are getting laid. So basically, to get a good workout you need music that pumps you up and the Miniature Tigers will pump you up. The fast and repetitive opening riff to "Cannibal Queen" ensures that your workout will be starting perfectly, the clapping beat and folky guitar riff in "Annie Oakley" will make sure you do not get a mid workout snack, the pulsating rhythmn of "Giraffe" makes it one of the best workouts songs of all time, and the overall angry sound and fantastic breakdown of "Last Night's Fake Blood" will have you moving so fast that your treadmill will be begging for mercy! More than 80 percent of the songs of the songs on Tell It To The Volcano are fast paced and this is the second reason it is the perfect workout album.

The third reason the Miniature Tigers created the perfect workout album is that Tell It To The Volcano is just under 30 minutes and all of the songs on the album are catchy. Thirty minutes is the minimum time that big brother (the government) recommends us to workout a day. So, if you workout to this album (the perfect workout album) all of your working out for the day will be done and you will be picking up members of the opposite sex like you never thought possible! Not only is Tell It To The Volcano the perfect length but all of the songs on the album are at least good and all of the songs are very catchy. "Cannibal Queen" features both a brilliant opening and a chorus that will be stuck in your head for weeks, "Giraffe" is the best catchy breakup song that you have never heard, "The Wolf" has a great chorus and well written verses, and "Last Night's Fake Blood" features a very catchy and awesome breakdown. There is not a song on Tell It To Volcano that is bad and the album even has a few songs that I would consider classic.

All of you educated readers probably know things change but probably never thought you could get over your workout apathy. In the past you kept coming up with the same stupid excuses: "I'll do it tomorrow!," "Hold on I just have to take this call!," "I'm fat and she's fat so why should we both lose weight?" and "Dude I am in a wheelchair!" But today you can finally drop those excuses after one test run to the Miniature Tigers Tell It To The Volcano. You can drop those excuses because Tell It To The Volcano's hooks, length, pace and quality enable it to be the ultimate workout album. So while the world continues to change, it does not mean you have to stay the same!* Just get on the treadmill, put on "Cannibal Queen" and watch your life change!**

*All sarcasm aside this album (and females joking about doing it with me) totally motivated me to drop 30 lbs*
** Do not workout if you have a heart condition, diabetes, are over sixty, or are still apathetic after reading this review**

1. Cannibal Queen
2. Like or Like Like
3. Dino Damage
4. Tell It To The Volcano
5. Hot Venom
6. Tchaikovsky and Solitude
7. The Wolf
8. Giraffe
9. Annie Oakley
10. Haunted Pyramid
11. Last Night's Fake Blood

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